The Demon

Fire.
Its heat creeps up my legs as it inches closer.
Its at the foot of my bed now. 
I can feel it.
I can't see it. 
I wait on the burn, the pain, the smell. 
But it never comes. 
Never. 


I wake up in the bed, not my bed as much as I wish. It wont be my bed until I confess I need help. And I don't. I swear. 

It was an accident. I never meant to hurt anyone, only myself. The fire wasn't too big but it had burnt through the floor. It was supposed to engulf my bed and take me down. After I took the pills, it was going to eat me up and spit out nothing but charred bones and teeth.

Teeth that have done nothing but betray me. 
Tongue was even worse. 
My tongue had performed the perfect crime.
It took my pride, my dignity and my last hope.
It said it. Not me.
It told them. 
I am fine I swear. 

.....

It was me.
Not her. 
I told her not too. 
That it make things worse. 
Make them find me. 
I don't want them to. 
Please don't tell them

.....

Shut the fuck up. 
There was the voice. 
She told him. 
She said the words that stopped him. 
Stopped him from liking me. 
Stopped him from ever caring about me again. 

it was supposed to be my secret. The one that no-one would ever know. I should have just shut up. I'm such a fucking idiot. NO!

She is. 
Its her fault. 
If I killed myself maybe she would finally shut up!
Peace and quiet, maybe then I would be free. 

...

The Demon.



Hey guys!! Its been too long. I have had no internet or tv for 2 weeks now so i have been binge watching Supernatural and i kinda got S and T into it as well. I noticed that the "yellow eyed demon" was a recurring figure and thought hmmm what if... What if the demon took over and it became sort of like a multiple personality thing, what if the person was fighting back. I am addicted to creepy concepts like that even more creepy as well. if anyone has any super creepy movie/book/anything feel free to let me know on Facebook to Twitter or even here :) 

Toodles xoxo
Jess

Flesh (zombie idea pt.2)

The parking lot was clear. I took off running, trying to get to a safe haven to clear my head. I was here now. I was safe... maybe.

The store was dimly lit, just a few small beams of light shining through the cracked roof. I scanned the area for any sign of life, any sign of anything. I was in luck, nothing. The smell from the store through my respirator was full of spoiled milk and rotted fruit, better then curdled blood and guts. I walked slowly down every aisle grabbing what i could, what we needed to survive. The pharmacy aisle was at the far end of the store next to the furniture and gadgets. I prayed to whatever god there was left, obviously he created something evil with those creatures, that there was at least one stick left. I hope. 

BANG!!

I spun around quickly with my small knife pulled from my belt loop and prepped to attack whatever moved.A dark figure lay on the ground 30 feet in front of me, twitching and slowly attempting to get up. I duck behind a display of toilet paper, the kind that used to have bears advertising how soft it was. the packaging crinkled quietly as i lay my hand on top of the nearest one, regaining my balance. the figure climbed to its feet and began brushing dirt and dust off of my back and legs. Its another human.


"put up your hand," i yelled "if you are human. If you make one wrong move i swear i will put this really sharp knife into your skull so fast you won't have time to blink!" I held my breath. 

A fairly large hand slowly lifted toward the ceiling, definitely human. i moved closer to him, scared that he may kill me. 

i walked closer and closer until the light off the roof shined enough to see him. His tall stature was striking, with his hand up his mucky t-shirt revealed a small flash of tanned skin and muscles. he had dark, curled hair that hung down to his eyebrows. His face was stunned, as if he never expected me, a girl, to be the one that had threatened to kill him. His eyebrow quirked up as he looked at me up and down. 

"Seriously? You were the one threatening me? Could you really put that through my skull? You barely look old enough to even have a knife. What are you 15?" He chuckled.

I don't even know who he was and i was already tired of his snarky attitude. 

"I am 19 about to turn 20 in about 4 days for your information. And if you are looking to scavenge through what is left of the dismal store, you will have to wait your turn." I sighed, finally letting out a breath. 

"Well I'm not exactly looking for food or anything, just a needle and some string. i uh.. i need a few stitches." He turned and pulled up the sleeve of his left arm. A large gash covered his shoulder and moved toward his chest. the blood formed streaks on his abdomen and arm.
Was he bit?

Here is part 2 for those who have requested it. im going to continue on the story and if anyone wants to read more, just let me know

hope you guys enjoy this story as much as i do just writing it. 


Toodles, 
Jess 
xoxo  

I have to keep it together.

Have you ever felt an overwhelming sadness from just a little thing? Maybe it was the potential of losing something good, or the fact that you lost someone so close to you that you would never have expected it.

Either way it feels like there are heavy rocks and stones being shoved into your chest until you break.

Until you let it get to you.

Until the walls break letting every single emotion you have inside burst forward.

With every single once of strength i have i must keep it all together.
The stress of it all is truly wearing me down, to the point where even sleep is a chore.


I have to keep it together.

among the factions, i find myself.

There is a book stashed in my purse.


Buried beneath a bottle of sweet smelling body spray.

Tangled inside my headphones. 

Its not a small book. 

Its not too big either. 

But it is my favorite.

The one that has made me discover pieces of myself I never even realized were there. 

It has made me realize that I am...

Divergent. 

"I choose to turn away from my reflection, to rely not on myself but on my brothers and sisters, to project always outward until I disappear" 

I am abnegation. I am selfless. I care more about those around me to care about myself. I will never lie. 


"Give freely, trusting that you will be given what you need... Do not be angry. The opinions of others cannot damage you... The wrong is past. You must let it rest where it lies... You must no longer think cruel thoughts. Cruel thoughts lead to cruel words, and hurt you as much as they hurt their target."

I am amity. I no longer care what others try to say to hurt me. I will never think cruelly towards others. 


I am in my own way part of this amazing story. I felt the pain of the characters and fell in love with the personalities in the story. it is by far my favorite series of books. Just reading Veronica Roth's words just bring me so much joy. I identify with the characters. 


If you haven't read the Divergent series yet I STRONGLY suggest you do. It is amazingly written and the story will have you wanting more and more with every turn of a page. 


READ IT!!!


(all quotes by Veronica Roth, parts of each faction's manifesto) 


Toodles xoxo 
Jess


P.S part 2 of the zombie idea is coming very soon. :) 

Anxiety.

What do you think an anxiety attack feels like? No one really knows until they experience it first hand.

It feels like there are tiny tigers scratching my eyes, bringing me to tears with their sharp, dense claws. They refuse to stop until i give in.

I wont give in.

Not yet.

There are a ton of bricks placed on my chest, building themselves up until the walls are so high that there is no way i can climb them let alone knock them down.

I can.

I'll Try.


My head is swirling with thoughts of self doubt and self hate. Everything that has ever happened is my fault. I was bullied, had to be my fault. I lost so many people I love, my fault. I cant do anything right, my fault. I'll never amount to anything, my fault.


Not this time.

Its not me.

Its not my fault.

Breathe.


The tiny voice in my head that always says no is getting to me. I'm ignoring it. I am moving on with my life.

I am terrified.

Don't like new.

Don't like change.

I'll get over it.

Its about time I start living for me, ignoring the doubts and the insurmountable fears. Its time i start to feel the way I want to.

No more shyness.

No more.

Its time to think about me for a change.




Jess xoxo

Flesh (A zombie idea)

The summer heat was excruciating. It made most of us cringe with dread but we had to leave this dank basement. The smell of the creatures was stomach churning. The heat made it much worse. The flesh fell off the creatures in sheets, the smell of the rotting flesh and the mass amounts of blood spilled in the streets made it almost impossible to leave the basement without a respirator. It was my turn for the supply run. I drew the 

short straw and now I must risk my life just to have a chance of survival. 

I crawled through the small window into the gated backyard where we insured it was free of the monsters. They craved nay needed human flesh. It was the way they survived. The only way to destroy them and insure that the would stay down was a hit to the head. be it a bullet, which was very rare to find, or a knife. I tiptoed through the yard walking on eggshells. I hated this job. 

There was a wholesale store down the road that had some supplies left. I had a small backpack, big enough to hold only the essentials and maybe a luxury item for myself... deodorant. In these times I cherished what little piece of heaven I could get. The smell of the streets and the creatures made it hard to smell anything good. If I could find just one small stick I'd be happy. 

The road was filled with rotting corpses in various states of decay. A group of rotting bodies lay next to a van. The inside of the window was covered in a deep red, blood. The creatures were ruthless, they would tear you limb for limb before you could even scream. there were a multitude of body parts strewn around, an arm here, a partial leg with the veins protruding through the bend of the knee. It was an all out war.

The road was quiet, odd for this time of day. The  store was just around the next bend. I could almost taste the fresh water from the over stocked room. The last time I was here it was an all out mad house of survivors, most of us grouped together and lived in the small basement where we would never be heard. It was cramped, but at least we were safe.

The parking lot was clear. I took off running, trying to get to a safe haven to clear my head. I was here now. I was safe... maybe.

theres nothing like a zombie story to make my brain seem ever weirder then it already is. i have a partial obsession with them. its to the extent where i have a zombie calendar in my room and a walking dead blanket.

if you guys like this storyline and want more let me know. it was just an idea that popped in my head and i may just continue it. 

toodles xo 

Jess

I'm Living

                                                                            I stole a book.

Not from a store. 

Not from anywhere.

You could say it already was mine.

You can say it wasn't.

But I stole it. 

He won't notice I thought. 

He never did.

In fact i think i told him. 

Well i guess he knows. 

When i was younger, just blossoming into a avid reader, I stole one of my dad's books. It was the 1988 paperback copy of The Eyes of the Dragon by Stephen King. The front cover was dark and eerie, the pages folded over on some corners, stained from who knows how long being in our basement.

 It was a creepy basement. The small window on either side looked out just high enough to see the frozen ground in the winter. We used to have a giant toy box in the one section, later filled my my brothers room. It spanned two full walls and was made out of scrap wood that my dad had. I used to take his books and pretend to make up stories to tell my brother or the three other kids my mom used to watch. I could read some at this point. I read to them, making up stories as if i was a teacher reading from a textbook. I remember taking that book down and flipping to a random page, picking words that i knew. Then i seen one i should not have... a dirty word....a swear word.  I threw the book down and ran away crying, blaming my tears on the innocent cat. Poor Jasper. 

Years later, I picked it up.

 I stole it. 

I needed to. 

The book that i swore i never touched.

The one that fueled my .. imaginative language sometimes. 

The Eyes of the Dragon. 

I read that book until the pages were fragile and worn. Its a reminder of my dad. We were a lot alike. Same taste in weird, messed up books, creepy pictures and so much more. My dad used to write letters and poems. I got my love of the written word from him. He, to this day is my inspiration, hes the reason I strive to write more and much better, why I live to write. When I write anything I always try to write anything to make my dad proud.

To be honest, writing this blurb, getting it all out of my system I think he'd be proud. He would be proud that no matter what life is handing to me, all the stress and issues, all of the people who try to bring me down, all of the bullies that always told me I couldn't, here I am. I  am doing exactly what they said I  couldn't. 

I'm living. 

Toodles xo

Jess